Love is
A letter I wish I could have received when I was younger.
(photo by Jamie Street, Unsplash)
Dear Saba,
Oh beloved, love is an offering. I know you did not grow up seeing that. You saw “caring” and “thoughtful” acts desperately shoved down people’s throats, even your own throat. You witnessed forced acceptance, which isn’t really true receiving. There are a few types of exchanges:
Offer and Take
Give and Receive
Order and Surrender
Respond and Demand
Offering something is a palms up and open type of exchange, my love. It allows the recipient to choose to take, and “no” is a valid choice. Giving is a holding, with a palms closed type of exchange. There is more energy in the exchange. The receiving requires less energy, and the “no” requires more energy. There’s the order, which is the most energy and requires surrender to receive it. My love, the order and surrender exchange is meant to be between you and Allah. Allah is the only One we are meant to surrender to. And yet, you were taught to surrender everywhere, to your parents, friendships, teachers, authority figures, bad situations, good situations, simply everywhere. I am so sorry this is what it took to survive. Yes, it’s very, very sad. You’re ready for change.
Oh my love, love is not something ordered upon you in the world, requiring you to surrender to its whims and fancy. What you experienced, under the guise of love, was manipulation, other’s anxieties, and demands by their twisted needs. That was never real love, no matter how strongly they believed and professed it to be. My love, love is an offering. Love acknowledges and respects the boundary of exchange and does not cross without permission. Yes, love can be given and received and real love is accompanied with truth, mercy, respect and care. Was love, in the form of forced eatings, forced excursions, forced constraints, delivered with truth, mercy, respect and care? No honey, you’re right, it wasn’t. Yes, that’s very sad.
My love, imagine a blank, light-filled space. Place the Light of Allah, like a wall, next to you. Look at the wall and there’s a window. When a man truly loves you, he will stand at that window, respecting Allah’s Light between you, and offer his love to you, like beautiful flowers. He may offer one or a bouquet, but he will not cross the threshold, he will offer his love, delicate, beautiful, and patient, at the threshold. My beloved, know, “no” is as valid an answer as “yes”. He is an adult, he wants you to receive him, but without you, he is still whole. Your answer will not break or harm him, as long as your response is equally loving, meaning delivered with truth, mercy, respect and care.
That’s love, beloved. It can take the form of food, gifts, compliments, acts of service, quality time, attention, and yes, even flowers. Is it offered? It can even be given, as long as it is done so with truth, mercy, respect and care. Those flowers of love, delivered through the window in the wall of Light of Allah between you, must be offered with truth, mercy, respect and care. And “no” is as acceptable an answer as “yes”.
Remember my love, the same is true when you offer your love to someone else. Offer, or give, with truth, mercy, respect and care. If you can receive a “no” as well as a “yes,” then you can trust that you offered true, unconditional love. You are capable of this and already do so without realizing it, every day. You are beautiful, amazing, and celebrated. May Allah surround you with His Love, Light and rain His Mercy and blessings upon you the rest of your days.
Love,
Mariam-Saba
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