When I first came to my spiritual path I was given spiritual books full of the teachings to read and write. Yup, write. Copy word for word the whole book. Oh, and make sure you sit and pray before and after each paragraph. Some of these books are over 300 pages! Needless to say it’s a slow-and-steady type of process. One of the (surprisingly many) benefits of this practice is slowing down and really taking in each word of the teaching. In one place, my teacher lists some praiseworthy and blameworthy characteristics. I was genuinely surprised to read (and write) that blame was a blameworthy characteristic. Don’t we need blame to determine who’s wrong and who is right in any given situation? Blame isn’t bad, it’s necessary, isn’t it?
I used to like blame. If I’m not to blame, I don’t have to feel “bad,” ashamed, nor am I likely to be attacked like I would be if I had been in the wrong. It also meant I could prove what a nice person I was by magnanimously choosing to not make the other person feel bad for being the one in the wrong. I could feel good about myself when I saw relief flash across their face and for a moment, not feel like I’m a monster deep, deep down.
I had no clue how disempowering blame was. In a normal, every day situation (staying away from extreme situations such as jail-worthy scenarios), two people interacting with one another are two people engaging in some sort of connection. It could be for work, a family occasion or hanging out with a friend. When we interact with one another, often one or both people are trying to get a need met. A need to be seen, heard, known, understood, loved or cared for, and so on. When two people hit a snag it's often due to some need not being met.
Here's an example, let’s say I made a cake for a friend’s party and a family member wanders in hungry, ignores the note or whatever I’ve said, and helps himself to a slice of my friend’s cake. In the Land of Blame – “Blame the family member, he screwed up, he’s clearly in the wrong. BLAME!” That means I have a right to be angry.
Blame means that someone has the right to be angry,
doesn’t it?
So can I only be angry when the other person is wrong? No. All feelings are valid. So it means I have a right to express my anger and yell at him, right? But wait, is yelling at another person in anger really part of my value system? It really hurts my heart to yell at some one. I mean, when does yelling at someone turn into verbal abuse? Where’s that line? We often use blame to justify behavior we wouldn’t associate ourselves with. Unfortunately blame doesn’t beautify our character.
Blame is seductive. It easily turns someone from looking inward to outward at another person or thing. It says “don’t look here, look over there. It will feel better.” And when that happens, there’s a subtle shifting of power. Suddenly that person has the power to ruin my day, my weekend, my season, my year, my life. Blame doesn’t identify a good person or a bad person. In every day situations, blame disempowers us and tricks us into looking away from the truth and reality of the situation.
In our example, there are many things blame could have turned me away from seeing: my hurt and feelings of disrespect, disappointment, witnessing the reality that my family member is selfish or untrustworthy, uncaring or thoughtless. I could be avoiding admitting to myself that I hogged the kitchen and was insensitive to my family’s need to eat at a normal meal time. Blame is a distraction. If I could really see reality clearly, and resist the temptation to blame, perhaps I could learn where to realistically set my expectations. Clearly my fridge was not as safe a place to store the cake as I believed it to be. By choosing to ignore or deflect from witnessing reality as it was, I’m choosing to disempower myself. I suddenly can’t see what all my choices are. If I am not really seeing reality as it is, I inadvertently trap myself into making the same choices over and over again, despite the obvious and predictable consequences, rather than making different or better decisions in similar situations in the future.
I inadvertently trap myself with blame
into making the same choices over and over again, despite the obvious and predictable consequences.
Blame is a defense mechanism. It can help us make space until we’re ready to process our pain. Continually using it, like with all other defense mechanisms, ultimately doesn’t serve us. It keeps us trapped, preventing us from really seeing reality and really learning from our life. If we don’t learn, we can’t avoid making the same mistakes in the future. It took me time, but I am finally coming to understand why my teacher teaches that blame is a blameworthy character trait.
Peace and Light,
Mariam-Saba
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