When I first started on this personal growth journey, I really struggled with my anger and resentments towards people in my past. I felt surprised when I finally realized that, though I had been truly wronged in many instances, the continued pain was not their doing but my own. I built and carried the pain with me because I couldn’t be in the reality of the situation. And because I couldn’t be in the reality of the situation, I continued to be hurt by those same people in subsequent similar situations. Because I couldn’t, or wouldn’t see reality, I continued to hold them to the same standards and expectations no matter what their actions. Because I was unwilling, or unable, to really hear or see a person, I repeatedly put myself in harms way. I wasn’t learning.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn after only two times…what comes after twice?
This comes up because I get to practice again. Whee! I was in a new relationship that developed too fast, so it broke down painfully and fast. Part of the breakdown has resulted in the other person saying terrible and untrue things about me in our shared community. Now that I’ve processed the anger, betrayal, fear and grief, I can see the unmet expectations (on both our parts). I expected, based on our preliminary conversations and this person’s history, a character of a high caliber. And for a short while, I saw exactly what I wanted to see. As I know my growing edges, it took only a short few months (progress for me) to really see, and accept, the signs. I’m learning to trust and believe that someone’s true character does show through.
People show you who they are
We just have to be willing to pay attention.
Once again I’m reminded, my anger and disappointment in people are often a result of unmet expectations. I can’t control other people and mitigate the hurt that way. What I can do, is be willing to adjust and align my expectations to reality. It’s not easy, but it is empowering.
“God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The Serenity Prayer
Here is my process to readjusting my expectations when I realize they are not aligned with reality:
I need to clue in that it’s my expectations that are the cause of my suffering. A daily self check-in (like journaling) or a spiritual practice (like remembrance) is really helpful for this. When I experience anger, pain, disappointment, jealousy, frustration or rage that doesn’t shift or improve, I explore what expectations I was holding of the person or situation. This means I have to feel and accept my feelings. If I don’t even acknowledge my feelings, I can’t get to this step. (For more about this, check out this post)
I look at the expectation itself, without judgment. Non-judgment is very important. The judgment can keep me stuck, or distract me with shame and compound the issue. I just look at the expectation(s) with curiosity. What did I want or need to have happen? What was I truly expecting? Why? What was the wants and needs I was looking to fulfill?
What really happened? What was reality? What did Allah make or permit to be made here? What wants and needs didn’t get met? This step helps me have real compassion for myself. The expectations didn’t come out of nowhere, they were bred from my life experiences, my needs, wants, cultural expectations and possibly even set up by the other person. It is important that this step be done without blame.
To avoid blame, it’s really important to look only at the behavior in this step. Our brains automatically make meaning and interpretations (i.e. make up stories and fill in gaps in our knowledge). So we believe we “know” what the other person or people were thinking, intending, wanting, expecting, etc, when the reality is that’s not true. Unless we’re mind readers or they actually told us all that information, we don’t really know. We can only surmise. And the surmising is not useful. Really. I wouldn’t have believed it either, but I’ve learned it’s true. That stuff is irrelevant in regards to us figuring out what reality really is. It’s important to just look at facts of behavior, or it doesn’t work.
The choice point. Now that I can clearly see what my expectations were, I’m no longer taking the other person’s actions personally, and I can see what actually happened, here I can choose:
do I want to continue to expect what I want to expect? or
am I ready to reevaluate my expectations?
I know what the consequences of not readjusting my expectations are: continued fear, pain, disappointment, jealousy, anger, frustration, or even rage. That’s a strong enough consequence, I usually choose to readjust my expectations rather than continue to fight it.
I forgive myself for the expectation that resulted in pain, and I forgive myself for holding the suffering as long as I did. The spiritual tool, tawba, is wonderful in helping with this. I forgive the other person for not being available to meet my expectations. I extend the same mercy I need and wish extended to me. Note, I did not say I necessarily forgive them for the harm they caused, just that they didn’t meet my expectations, needs or wants. Forgiving harm, if present, is a different thing altogether for me. But most of the time there isn’t real harm present, only my disappointment and other reactions to my expectations not being met.
We don’t really know
what the other person was thinking, intending, wanting, expecting, hoping, needing, etc. We can only surmise. And the surmising is not useful. Really.
The amazing thing is, I experience so much more peace in my life as a result of this process. The first time I worked through all the places where I was holding onto old pain due to unmet expectations and ran through these steps, the relief and peace was palpable and long lasting. It was hard to believe how much of my pain and suffering was self-inflicted like that. Now I don’t fall victim to the belief that someone can “make me feel” anything. By taking ownership and responsibility for my emotional state, I no longer give away my serenity to anyone else. It’s in my power to take care of my emotional well being and it’s within my power, no matter what is happening around me, to regain peace and serenity in my life. How amazing is that?
Peace and Light,
Mariam-Saba
Worth a read: For more about this topic, check out Leo Babauta’s blog post at Zen Habits.
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